Here is a post from some zany people on a forum. What's wrong with them. Do they not realise how bland they are????

Pin: The intelliwebby thingy. That is what someone at work calls the internet. I thought I would share it with you guys.

aurora borealis: Thank You to pin For This Useful Post: Reflexology is known as 'relaxology' by several of the patients I know

BIC regular: The intelliwebby thingy - quite a cute sounding name, I kinda like it.

Recharge

Here's a thing that the big bosses at mega corporations can't understand: I go on holiday for two weeks to get away from work. To forget about it. I dread the day that I have to go back.
I despise their Christmas message emails.

A Christmas Message to all staff from Roland Wonkerson. Many of you will be taking a holiday during the festive period. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you all for your hard work during the year. (*here comes the spoiler*) Let us not forget however that we are entering the last quarter. That means we will need one last extra push to make the target of £14b profit for the year. So enjoy the holiday and recharge the batteries. I look forward to working with you in the New Year. Let's make it the best year yet! Seasons Greetings Roland.

Dear Roland, Thank you for your message. However, and here's the point that you are missing, I couldn't care less about the final push to the end of the financial year. I couldn't work harder if I tried. Maybe if you stopped making so many stupid demands the place would run efficiently. And another thing (I know I shouldn't start a sentence with "and" but that's how much I disrespect you) don't make my holidays seem like it's just a recharger for work batteries. It's not. It's a chance to get away from you and your moronic messages that drive down moral. You complete f*cking c*nt. Seasons Greetings, Milk.

Them trainees are boss lar.

GRRRR to folk who get over excited about their local accents and slang. Here is an example from a penny pinching forum which I frequent. This bint is delighted with calling trainers "trainees". Other scousers jump on the band wagon. She also starts off her speil without using an "I". RRRRRRR! As an addition the remaining clichéd comments serve to annoy.

90% off trainees, calendars, socks etc including Nike, Adidas, Reebok etc

bluenose1: Went into Sports Soccer today in Speke, liverpool and they were bringing out boxes of trainees (or trainers if your're not from Liverpool which has been kindly pointed out by Dazco) with 90% off.
I bought 12 pairs for my 3 kids (some to put away.) Also had mens and ladies reduced but not much choice.
There were a lot of really trendy ones. Paid on average £2.50 a pair - not bad for Adidas, Reebok and Nike trainees.
They also had Everton and Chelsea calendars reduced to £0.69 and nice mens formal England Socks reduced to £0.59 for 2 pair. Would have bought more if I had realised the quality.
They were reducing more stuff as I was leaving but I was knackered after being in the shop for 2 hours.
Will fly out at these prices.
Regards
Anne

Dazco: Just so you know Anne, the rest of the country calls them trainers. LOL

Liverbird: Cheers BLuenose! I'm a scouser and call them trainees too!

Addy: Eh, eh, ceeeeaaaalm down, ceeeaaaalm down

bluenose1: All right laaaaaah, don't be funny or you'll be getting a Kirkby kiss. (Thats a headbutt for the unitiated in scouse slang.)

Only a joke mods before you think we are starting a slanging match.
I now have visions of Harry Enfield and his perm and polyester trackies (tracksuit) doing a scouse skit

Liverbird: Will have to get up dead early tomorra and cash me giro to go and get meself sum trainees!

Joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

110frankie: I call them running shoes :-)

2 dvds for £6!!!

Special offer, 2 DVD's for £6! Great until you realise there are a total of sixteen DVDs in the offer. Of course they are all classics and it's hard just to pick two. You try rejecting any of these:

Breaking Dawn
Curse Of El Charro, The
Frostbite
Dead And Dying (aka El Intermedio)
Nightstalker (Widescreen)
Hellbreeder
Snow Job (honestly, I'm not making this up)
Locals, The
Death Valley - The Revenge of Bloody Bill
No Way Up
One Eyed King
I Witness
Alien Abduction
James Dean - The Video Biography
Stealing Candy
Scarecrow Gone Wild

What a pile of rubbish. ChoicesUk.com, hang your head in shame. Yeah, the offer is just there to entice people to the site. Well I aint falling for it. F*ck you and your scam. How dare you insult my intelligence! I'll never buy anything fro...Ooh hold on, they've got top DVDs for only £4.99 each. I'll be back in a mo.

Schuper-market

Morrisons supermarket Alness, Thursday 17th August. Around 5pm. It was very obvious that there was going to be queuing mayhem. Too many customers, not enough till operators. At this point it would have been wise to get on the tannoy and call for reinforcements. But oh-no, the procedure here is to wait another few minutes and then call for help. It's too late for me, I'm well esablished in a queue. The new arrivals at the end of my queue nip in to the lovely fresh checkout. Bah!
A few minutes before this I spotted a newly opening till. I was the only one who spotted this. I couldn't get to it as Clawhammer was in my way, his trolley full of Old Harper. Whispering to Claw "see if that till's opening" he fails to understand. Another whispered instruction has him turning round, "which till?" Arrrrgh. Resisting the urge to scream "THE ONE WITH THE GIRL SITTING AT IT STARTING UP THE TILL AND NO-ONE IN THE QUEUE" I gesture once more. He finally understands. Slowly, painfully he moves round towards it. He is moving so slowly that an incredibly old crippled woman nips in front of him. I stay where I am and feel pleased that he is stuck behind the old bag.
We meet outside. He complains about the old lady holding him up. I complain about him.
The real point of this post is to mention a bad supermarket experience; standing in someone elses smell. The lady in front of me was reeking. It was similar to a cross between a stale towel and pish. Once she had bought her goods (no soap). I occupied the bad-odour space and felt like doing two things but didn't. 1) announcing that it wasn't me that was smelling. 2) asking the retarded till operator to spray the area with air freshner..

Tea? Tea? Tea? Tea?

At der Rathaus I sit at a quadrant of desks. I don’t mind making tea for the person sitting next to me or the person opposite. However I don’t want to make tea for the person who sits opposite on the diagonal. Why would this be? It can’t be the actual person as I have recently moved desks and get the same feeling. I think I’m diagonalist.

Whilst I’m on the subject what is it with these people who make tea for the whole office. Tea? Tea? Tea? Tea? Would you like some tea? Tea? Tea? I’ll tell you what’s with them, they’re frikkin’ skivers that’s what they are.

Filth. Wallow. Disgusting. BLEUGH!

Today at work I had to move to another desk. My new desk had previously been occupied by a woman. It was a frakkin' disgrace. The monitor was covered in oily hand and finger prints. It was really bad, you could see the state of it from across the room. Yet no attempt had been made to clean it. Layers of dust covered everything. I immediatly rejected the keyboard and mouse that I inherited, they were covered in gloop from "the pie lady"'s wares. The phone and monitor looked like they had chewing gum stuck to them within the last 18 months. I found two manky nail files under the keyboard.... and get this, they belonged not to the recent occupent but the one before that! I actually broke into a sweat cleaning the area up with disenfectant! What is wrong with these people? One of my exes left a piece of fruit in their car. I was adamant not to clean it out. However it was going mouldy and I had to eventually remove it.

Wurst on a Frakkin' Plane

Never before have I wanted to see a film so much. This Snakes on a Plane film looks fantastic. Christ, not only are there snakes, but they're on a plane! How did they get tickets? You would think there would be a law against letting dangerous animals be passengers. There must be some kind of loophole. I hope there's a sequel and they go to New York.

The Sausage of Time

As I get older I forget how old I am. 36? 37? I have to work it out. I was born in June 1969…this is August 2006, therefore I am …… where’s the calculator?
There was a time where I knew exactly how old I was; twelve and a half in eight weeks, three days.
Another thing that’s happening is that I’m unsure what day of the week it is. This is no bad thing really. I’m one of the few people who isn’t urging the week on to Friday.
Maybe my memory is going because I got kicked in the head by a donkey. BILLEEEE!

Mastermoond.

I’d like to enter Mastermind. My specialised subject would have to be nonsense. Magnus Magnusson is the host of choice.

Magnus: Milk, you scored 11 on the general knowledge round. In the second round, what is your specialised subject?
Milk: Nonsense
Magnus: Your specialised round, on nonsense, starts….now

Magnus: In the children’s television show, The Mr. Men. Mr Nonsense lived in a house that is the shape of a what?
Milk: GRAAA GRAAAA GRAAA.

Inconvenience.

Occasionally, when visiting a shop. An urchin has left his bike lying on the ground right in front of the door. I can’t get in. I suppress the urge to stamp my foot through the spokes (or spoges as some folk insist on calling them)

Part of me thinks; What self centred little so and so’s. They don’t consider that other people need to get into the shop. When they come out I’m going to smash their bike over their head!

Another part of me thinks. Aww, the little tykes! They were so excited, zooming over to the shops to buy Victory V’s and Curly Wurly’s. They forgot to leave their bike in a convenient place! When they come out I’ll smash their bike over their head. That’ll learn ‘em.

The Weakest Nink

I don't like The Weakest Link because of Anne Robinson.
The obnoxious questions and stupid sayings are what spoil it. "You got 10 questions in a row right but someone banked too soon. who put the pooper in the scooper?"
"Alan, why Keith? Hold on Alan, you're ugly, why should we listen to you? Are you from Booormingham? Isn't everyone from Booormingham stupid Alan? You're stupid Alan, HAHAHAHA and I'm really great".

The uproar about Annes' anti-Welsh comments made me laugh though. I don't have anything against the Welsh. Its just that I like it when people get up in arms about trivial nonsense. Like the impending world war and global freezing.

The workmate with no brain.

Isn't it annoying hearing these words from a workmate "God, don't you hate it when there's nothing to do". Errr no I don't, I love it! Getting paid to do nothing is brilliant. This isn't your company you moron. You aren't going to benefit from increased profits. Relax. Look out of the window. Make a start on writing that novel.

Bwow bwow wow

You too can do this. Simply send me 5p and I will send you the secrets. Amaze your friends and family.

The Biggest Spaz on the Dance Floor

The title says it all. Can any of you guys dance? I'm ok when I'm doing the hoovering round the house and listening to Eazee Mutha Phukkin' E'z - Nutz On Ya Chin. I can bust some funky moves. However when I get dragged on to the dance floor gravity increases thus making the legs impossible to move, the thumbs come up and the shame sets in. Whatever happended to all the great hoovering/Eazee E moves? Wank.
I was going to end it there but I think I know why. They don't play Nutz On Ya Chin or the Beasties - Intergalactic at anything I go to. It's more likely to be Shania Twain's catchy yet shit Man, I Feel Like a Woman.
Public service announcement. Things not to do:

• Flailing your arms.
• Jumping up and down (I do this).
• Screaming "Woooo!" while moving.

Peace, out.

Do I loose points for bad spelling?

People who spell "loose" instead of "lose".This is a big big big pet hate of mine. I know that it's easy to make mistakes. But, I am a word snob so these idiots need to be shot in the face with a paint gun *THWACK* *THWACK*.*THWACK*. The feckers will drive me insane in the membrane. The image that accompanies this post deserves a hate posting all of its own. What sentimental twaddle. Click it, read it and shake your head.
Click this sentence to see a big hairy fud

Beans means ... Hovis.

I really liked the Hovis bread wrapper with the beans on it. It was great. Even though I didn't need bread I bought it anyway. What a great piece of design work. They now seem to have opted for a new camoflague design. I couldn't see hovis bread anywhere so I just picked up any old white bread. It turns out that it was Hovis with a new wrapper. A design so poor that even when you stare at it you can't see the word Hovis (even though it's written in big letters). Is this just a clever ruse to get people up in arms, just like the new coke/classic coke scam? Answers please to Alan@I_hate_schnurk.com

Quote me bappy, flappy, nappy, rappy...

elephant.co.uk yes elephant.co.uk that's elephant.co.uk, one more time, just so you don't forget elephant.co.uk. That is such an annoying advert. Some might say that it works because I remember it. Yes. But. The advert annoys me so much that I am never going to go with elephant.co.uk. Even if their insurance cost 1p!!!! So the stupid advert hasn't worked, has it? Ha!

Scroll down..this is really funny...

I receive emails that make me feel like screaming at the sender. Here's an example
WORDS OF WISDOM
1.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead, do not walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow, do not walk beside me either, just leave me the hell
alone.
2.When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" - it's always a negative
one.
3.The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
4.(I'll stop the example there. There are usually about 20 of these statements at the very least.)
Someone read that and went to all the effort of sending it to me. I stare at my monitor as if the message read "I sent you this because I hate you. p.s I am going to shove some dogshit through your letterbox later on, I'm not joking."

Schnooperman

If you know anyone who's seen the new Superman movie ask them what they thought of it. The only thing that people can say is "it's just like the old ones but with better graphics". Really? who would have thought it? I was expecting it to be more like Emmaneulle 2 but with worse special effects. Yes, special effects, not graphics. Graphics are in games. This is a favourite topic of conversation between me and Mr Coick-Kicker.

How to Whistle — Loud!

I live in a housing scheme. Loud sounds tend to stay enlosed and bounce off the buildings. Occasionaly you hear a kid who's learning to whistle loud. I suppose their dedication is to be admired. However hour after hour and day after day of "weee-wooo ... weee-woooo ... WEEEE -woo.. phweep-woo..phweeep PHWEEP PHWEEEP PHWEEEEP" can grate a little on the nerves. The little bastards.

Verdict: 9%

My favourite magazines were those that reviewed computer games. My favourite reviews were of those games that got slated and awarded an ultra low score. I would read those with glee. I'm talking about mags like Crash, Big K, Computer and Video Games, Your Sinclair...
I was reminded of this when reading Retro Gamer (Load→24), page 101. This review is of a new game made for an old system. The Slarti and Stash Space Saga for the Commodore 64 or emulator. The game get's 9% and the review has some nice harsh words;

"...it's time to reset your computer as you ponder why you've spent that time playing this...that would be all well and good if there was anything like a game here but there clearly isn't.... if you want to be reminded of all those gaming disasters of yesteryear, give this a try. Otherwise, avoid like the plague."*Click the image to see it move, whee!*

Hooray, that cheered me up. Apparantly the game is a free download so you can ch-ch-check it out yourself by clicking anywere on this sentence.

Got this thing.

This has annoyed me a lot. What has? People who miss the word "I" from the start of a sentence. Noticed this a lot on Amazon reviews (this very sentence is an example of what I mean).

Whilst looking for examples of missing the first word from a sentence I found something else that I hate: Reviews on Amazon that start "ok" or "right" or "well". Here's an example that starts with an "OK" and even better (or more annoying) has a missing "I" from the start of the second sentence.

"OK, Im one of those who played (and loved) SWOS back in the day on the Amiga.

Not really sure whats happened here - maybe Fifa and Pro Ev have just raised the bar but I was more than a bit disappointed, so much so that I (like another reviewer) sold the game on pretty quick. Its far too kick and rush and feels more like a rugby game at times. Also, the keepers are poor and its just way too easy, I got to the World Cup final first time playing it?!?"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B000ENN9A6/202-3194866-4245451?v=glance&n=300703
Review posted 10 Jul 2006