Recharge

Here's a thing that the big bosses at mega corporations can't understand: I go on holiday for two weeks to get away from work. To forget about it. I dread the day that I have to go back.
I despise their Christmas message emails.

A Christmas Message to all staff from Roland Wonkerson. Many of you will be taking a holiday during the festive period. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you all for your hard work during the year. (*here comes the spoiler*) Let us not forget however that we are entering the last quarter. That means we will need one last extra push to make the target of £14b profit for the year. So enjoy the holiday and recharge the batteries. I look forward to working with you in the New Year. Let's make it the best year yet! Seasons Greetings Roland.

Dear Roland, Thank you for your message. However, and here's the point that you are missing, I couldn't care less about the final push to the end of the financial year. I couldn't work harder if I tried. Maybe if you stopped making so many stupid demands the place would run efficiently. And another thing (I know I shouldn't start a sentence with "and" but that's how much I disrespect you) don't make my holidays seem like it's just a recharger for work batteries. It's not. It's a chance to get away from you and your moronic messages that drive down moral. You complete f*cking c*nt. Seasons Greetings, Milk.

Them trainees are boss lar.

GRRRR to folk who get over excited about their local accents and slang. Here is an example from a penny pinching forum which I frequent. This bint is delighted with calling trainers "trainees". Other scousers jump on the band wagon. She also starts off her speil without using an "I". RRRRRRR! As an addition the remaining clichéd comments serve to annoy.

90% off trainees, calendars, socks etc including Nike, Adidas, Reebok etc

bluenose1: Went into Sports Soccer today in Speke, liverpool and they were bringing out boxes of trainees (or trainers if your're not from Liverpool which has been kindly pointed out by Dazco) with 90% off.
I bought 12 pairs for my 3 kids (some to put away.) Also had mens and ladies reduced but not much choice.
There were a lot of really trendy ones. Paid on average £2.50 a pair - not bad for Adidas, Reebok and Nike trainees.
They also had Everton and Chelsea calendars reduced to £0.69 and nice mens formal England Socks reduced to £0.59 for 2 pair. Would have bought more if I had realised the quality.
They were reducing more stuff as I was leaving but I was knackered after being in the shop for 2 hours.
Will fly out at these prices.
Regards
Anne

Dazco: Just so you know Anne, the rest of the country calls them trainers. LOL

Liverbird: Cheers BLuenose! I'm a scouser and call them trainees too!

Addy: Eh, eh, ceeeeaaaalm down, ceeeaaaalm down

bluenose1: All right laaaaaah, don't be funny or you'll be getting a Kirkby kiss. (Thats a headbutt for the unitiated in scouse slang.)

Only a joke mods before you think we are starting a slanging match.
I now have visions of Harry Enfield and his perm and polyester trackies (tracksuit) doing a scouse skit

Liverbird: Will have to get up dead early tomorra and cash me giro to go and get meself sum trainees!

Joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

110frankie: I call them running shoes :-)

2 dvds for £6!!!

Special offer, 2 DVD's for £6! Great until you realise there are a total of sixteen DVDs in the offer. Of course they are all classics and it's hard just to pick two. You try rejecting any of these:

Breaking Dawn
Curse Of El Charro, The
Frostbite
Dead And Dying (aka El Intermedio)
Nightstalker (Widescreen)
Hellbreeder
Snow Job (honestly, I'm not making this up)
Locals, The
Death Valley - The Revenge of Bloody Bill
No Way Up
One Eyed King
I Witness
Alien Abduction
James Dean - The Video Biography
Stealing Candy
Scarecrow Gone Wild

What a pile of rubbish. ChoicesUk.com, hang your head in shame. Yeah, the offer is just there to entice people to the site. Well I aint falling for it. F*ck you and your scam. How dare you insult my intelligence! I'll never buy anything fro...Ooh hold on, they've got top DVDs for only £4.99 each. I'll be back in a mo.

Schuper-market

Morrisons supermarket Alness, Thursday 17th August. Around 5pm. It was very obvious that there was going to be queuing mayhem. Too many customers, not enough till operators. At this point it would have been wise to get on the tannoy and call for reinforcements. But oh-no, the procedure here is to wait another few minutes and then call for help. It's too late for me, I'm well esablished in a queue. The new arrivals at the end of my queue nip in to the lovely fresh checkout. Bah!
A few minutes before this I spotted a newly opening till. I was the only one who spotted this. I couldn't get to it as Clawhammer was in my way, his trolley full of Old Harper. Whispering to Claw "see if that till's opening" he fails to understand. Another whispered instruction has him turning round, "which till?" Arrrrgh. Resisting the urge to scream "THE ONE WITH THE GIRL SITTING AT IT STARTING UP THE TILL AND NO-ONE IN THE QUEUE" I gesture once more. He finally understands. Slowly, painfully he moves round towards it. He is moving so slowly that an incredibly old crippled woman nips in front of him. I stay where I am and feel pleased that he is stuck behind the old bag.
We meet outside. He complains about the old lady holding him up. I complain about him.
The real point of this post is to mention a bad supermarket experience; standing in someone elses smell. The lady in front of me was reeking. It was similar to a cross between a stale towel and pish. Once she had bought her goods (no soap). I occupied the bad-odour space and felt like doing two things but didn't. 1) announcing that it wasn't me that was smelling. 2) asking the retarded till operator to spray the area with air freshner..

Tea? Tea? Tea? Tea?

At der Rathaus I sit at a quadrant of desks. I don’t mind making tea for the person sitting next to me or the person opposite. However I don’t want to make tea for the person who sits opposite on the diagonal. Why would this be? It can’t be the actual person as I have recently moved desks and get the same feeling. I think I’m diagonalist.

Whilst I’m on the subject what is it with these people who make tea for the whole office. Tea? Tea? Tea? Tea? Would you like some tea? Tea? Tea? I’ll tell you what’s with them, they’re frikkin’ skivers that’s what they are.

Filth. Wallow. Disgusting. BLEUGH!

Today at work I had to move to another desk. My new desk had previously been occupied by a woman. It was a frakkin' disgrace. The monitor was covered in oily hand and finger prints. It was really bad, you could see the state of it from across the room. Yet no attempt had been made to clean it. Layers of dust covered everything. I immediatly rejected the keyboard and mouse that I inherited, they were covered in gloop from "the pie lady"'s wares. The phone and monitor looked like they had chewing gum stuck to them within the last 18 months. I found two manky nail files under the keyboard.... and get this, they belonged not to the recent occupent but the one before that! I actually broke into a sweat cleaning the area up with disenfectant! What is wrong with these people? One of my exes left a piece of fruit in their car. I was adamant not to clean it out. However it was going mouldy and I had to eventually remove it.

Wurst on a Frakkin' Plane

Never before have I wanted to see a film so much. This Snakes on a Plane film looks fantastic. Christ, not only are there snakes, but they're on a plane! How did they get tickets? You would think there would be a law against letting dangerous animals be passengers. There must be some kind of loophole. I hope there's a sequel and they go to New York.

The Sausage of Time

As I get older I forget how old I am. 36? 37? I have to work it out. I was born in June 1969…this is August 2006, therefore I am …… where’s the calculator?
There was a time where I knew exactly how old I was; twelve and a half in eight weeks, three days.
Another thing that’s happening is that I’m unsure what day of the week it is. This is no bad thing really. I’m one of the few people who isn’t urging the week on to Friday.
Maybe my memory is going because I got kicked in the head by a donkey. BILLEEEE!

Mastermoond.

I’d like to enter Mastermind. My specialised subject would have to be nonsense. Magnus Magnusson is the host of choice.

Magnus: Milk, you scored 11 on the general knowledge round. In the second round, what is your specialised subject?
Milk: Nonsense
Magnus: Your specialised round, on nonsense, starts….now

Magnus: In the children’s television show, The Mr. Men. Mr Nonsense lived in a house that is the shape of a what?
Milk: GRAAA GRAAAA GRAAA.

Inconvenience.

Occasionally, when visiting a shop. An urchin has left his bike lying on the ground right in front of the door. I can’t get in. I suppress the urge to stamp my foot through the spokes (or spoges as some folk insist on calling them)

Part of me thinks; What self centred little so and so’s. They don’t consider that other people need to get into the shop. When they come out I’m going to smash their bike over their head!

Another part of me thinks. Aww, the little tykes! They were so excited, zooming over to the shops to buy Victory V’s and Curly Wurly’s. They forgot to leave their bike in a convenient place! When they come out I’ll smash their bike over their head. That’ll learn ‘em.